Do you hate the sound of incessant bickering? What about the whining and moaning about how mean your son is to your daughter, or how your 6-year-old kicked their younger sibling on the shin during a fight over the football? And those mean words like "I hate you" or "Go away and leave me alone"—especially when your family dream was to have kids happily playing together, climbing trees, sharing laughter, and looking out for each other. These types of things drive me batty, to be honest, and I know they can really drain a parent's energy!
Let's start by looking into what sibling rivalry is. Usually, siblings find themselves in competition with each other for attention, time, and resources, which sparks the bickering, arguments, and outright physical fights. This is particularly true when a new sibling is introduced into the family, and suddenly the eldest child has someone else grabbing a LOT of their parent’s attention, which previously was all theirs. Birth order, developmental differences, neurodiversity, perceptions of unfair treatment, and temperament can all play a part. The sibling relationship is the first social playground for our children and one of their longest-lasting connections.
So, here are some useful tips and tricks to add to your daily parenting kit that will help restore calm and harmony to your home…
Be Calm
Even if you have to bite your tongue, employ all of your self-control, and breathe deeply—aim to show control on the outside and to use a neutral tone. If you can do this, there's a double bonus because your role modelling of self regulation will teach your kids how to do it as well.
Create a Culture of Cooperation
When you notice tempers starting to rise while your kids are playing together, give them a moment to see if they can work out a sharing strategy. But if tempers continue to rise, calmly intervene. Once again, approach with self-control and ask something like, "I’m noticing you guys are getting a bit grumpy over whose turn it is with this Lego. I wonder what we could do so you can both have a turn?" This opens up the conversation for them to try to problem-solve themselves. If that doesn't resolve the problem, then suggest a couple of options—such as 2 or 5-minute blocks of time with the Lego each, then set a timer on your phone or see if they can make an identical model out of the Lego so they each have one.
Also, be aware of how you engage with your partner or other adults too—if you are slamming doors and yelling, your kids will think this is okay and start to do it too.
Celebrate Individuality and Successes
Yes, your younger daughter may be getting better grades than your son in math, but it's also important to celebrate your son who is succeeding at designing great creations in digital design. Don’t ever compare your kids within their earshot—they are all individuals and their self-esteem depends on you to have their back. Avoid labels like "he's the naughty one" or "she's the drama queen" as these do not set your children up for success.
Plan fun family outings
Fun family occasions create positive feelings and memories which bond your children together. Think of days at the beach in summer, having a spa in the rain, going on dog walks and buying an ice cream, and family board games.
Treat Your Kids Fairly, Not Equally
Just as you wouldn’t give your toddler and your 10-year-old the same toy as a present, think of boundaries and consequences in the same way. A toddler who is still undergoing a huge growth in language development and hits out in frustration should not receive the same consequence as a 10-year-old who lashes out. Similarly your daughter with ADHD should be treated with different consideration than your neurotypical son of a similar age. When you are dealing with consequences or setting boundaries, talk to each child about them privately so there is no shame involved. Refer to your family vision and values and how you all want to be treated. Head to my blog post on this topic to find out more.
Be a Detective
Rarely is there only one side to a story. It’s important not to act on the last thing you see as this, in my experience, is often the final retaliation in a line-up of jibes or small lash outs. Instead, ask explorative questions like:
Can you tell me what happened in your eyes?
What would you like to see change for next time?
Give all parties a chance to share, but only once things are calmer. It is okay to wait for this to happen, but do make sure you address the issue so each of your children becomes accountable and feels heard and supported by you.
Take the Opportunity to Teach Problem-Solving Skills
If your kids don’t have any solutions themselves, offer some of your own as something for them to reflect on for next time. Show your kids how to divide the last piece of cake or pizza into equal halves or teach them the "I cut, you choose" rule. Get out a sand timer or help them set an alarm on your phone or on a device to support their sense of things being fair. Taking a break from each other or heading outdoors to jump on the trampoline or run around the garden is a great way to refresh grumpy moods and prevent things escalating.
Sibling rivalry is a common and often challenging aspect of family life, but with patience and the right strategies, you can help your children navigate their conflicts and build stronger, more supportive relationships. By staying calm, promoting cooperation, celebrating individuality, treating your kids fairly, investigating the root of conflicts, and teaching problem-solving skills, you can turn sibling rivalry into an opportunity for growth and connection. Remember, your guidance and support play a crucial role in shaping how your children interact with each other, now and in the future.
コメント